In sickness and health

Let me start by saying married life is the life to live. I know I'm fresh out the gate and I've only been married a little under a year but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm sure there are veteran couples who are reading this and thinking, "Just wait honey. It'll get more difficult." Yes I have days were I want to ship Walker off on an island of his own, and I can promise you he's felt the same way towards me. BUT even in our hard times through the 8 years of knowing one another and dating, I can't imagine life without him.

Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Marriage is about putting each other first even when it's hard. Marriage is about loving them even when the sun isn't shining out their ass. Marriage is a commitment that I'm thankful I signed up for. It makes my heart so sad when I hear someone say "Gosh, I'm never getting married." I do understand why people say it, but I can promise you married life is something you don't want to miss out on.

Genesis 2:18–25: “Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.' ... So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man."

My grandparents have been married 53 years today and they have a walking example of always putting one another first and providing us kids with a strong marriage to admire and I pray Walker and I can be example of this to our kids and grandkids one day.

As I lay in bed after my surgery I had today, I've realized how fortunate I am to have someone like Walker in my life. I'm not saying this to boast, I'm saying this because there are good guys out there.

Walker once upon a time didn't always put me first when we dated and same on my end.. At one point we both lived selfishly, but once we committed our love for one another the dynamic changed on our whole relationship. It took a lot longer for us to pull our heads out of our butts than the average couple. Just because we started late on putting one another first, doesn't mean you have to wait too. Start today. You aren't dating for hopes of one day breaking up? You're dating for hopes of finding a life long partner who you love and respect. So why not start today?

Whenever Walk and I started to talk about getting married and the importance of it we decided we would go a year without having sex. Yup, I said it. We lived under the same roof before we got married.. and we had sex before we were married. I'm not proud of it but and I hope if you're a teen reading this that you make the choice to wait. It makes things easier on you, your future relationships and your relationship with God.

I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I want people I know I am a Christian and sometimes life is messy and I am messy. I will never make myself out to be something I'm not. I don't define myself or Walker as straight laced Christians and there are many areas of our faith that we need to work on. All in all, we do love Christ and all that he does for us so we tried the best that we know how, to live as a people of faith. That means no judging you for your sins, and understanding not everyone's minds are wired the same. I want to always be that person that someone feels confident to come to help them work past their sin rather than feeling as if I'm going to condemn them for their wrong doing. Jesus died on the cross for us because of original sin. This world is not perfect and unfortunately sin and temptation is right around every corner. The reason why I am open about my testimony is because I always want to be a place of refuge for someone that might be on the brink of turning their back on Christianity and giving up. I want people to know my heart and know I am a sinner too who is thriving to be better. I'll never pretend to be something I'm not.

Back to what I was saying and I'm going to getting honest and real here, I'd be lying if I said we didn't have a couple slip ups of sexual impurity during the year of trying to obtain absence. Once you open that door it's hard to turn temptation and the devil down. That's why I advise you to just don't do it until your married. Unfortunately, we didn't walk into marriage as virgins, but we did have a fairly new start that I think has helped us grow closer to one another. The physical attraction has always been there for us but it took us a little longer to figure one another out and how we work on an emotional level. We've gone about our relationship assbackwards (pardon my French) truthfully -- it's been a learning process. Once we started over together we were forced to talk about problems, our goals, how we wanted to live and all the things we needed to figure out as couple before we went down the road of marriage. We learned to put each other's feelings first and getting on the same page. Was it easy? Oh heck no but it was worth it. Although, once we started living in more of Christian like manner the easier things became. Don't get me wrong we are human and our relationship isn't always sunshine and daisies but that's part of every marriage. There are going to be hiccups, it's  inevitable.  I will say though it is easier and runs smoother whenever you live your marriage for God and one another.

1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

I know doing just that has prepared us for life challenges we've faced so far. Today was a true tale example of that. For those who don't know I was pregnant with what would have been our first child. From the beginning of finding out Walker has been so optimistic about it all, with me on the other hand in freakout mode. "Am I going to be a good mom?" "Am I ready for this?" "Holy crap, this is happening." When I was weak, Walk was strong and helped balance my chaos going on in my brain and see things in a positive light.  

Truthfully after today and the pain I endured, it has ran through my always overthinking mind, "Do I even want to have kids if there is a chance that it's always going to be like this? Could I have miscarriage after miscarriage? Do I want to keep putting myself through this emotional rollercoaster?" I got to thinking about it and for Walker it's worth it to me to not lay down and give up. God has a bigger plan for us and I want nothing more than to see Walker as a dad one day. I want him to lead our family one day, because I know he's going to be great at it. He's such a strong leader and logical leader for the two of us, I just know he's going to be amazing. Whenever I am weak Walker always has a way to get me to relax and turn to God with my worries. 

Last Monday we went in for a check up and was told there was no longer a heartbeat. Talk about gut wrenching. I went the whole week in the back of my head knowing I was growing a child to not at all anymore. I've had weak moments through it all and Walker has been so accommodating and being strong for me. He's helped me to see things rationally and trust in God's plan for us. I had to wait a week until my D&C surgery and early this morning the miscarriage hit me hard just hours before I was suppose to go in for my surgery. I've never experienced a pain like it in my life. I've always been prone to having horrible cramps but this was cramps on hulk steroids. It was awful. We ended up going in early. I ended up having a panic attack on the way there, which isn't my first rodeo with panic attacks. My limbs were going numb and it lead into me throwing up in one of the hallways of the hospital. Through it all Walker was there and trying his best to keep me calm. I think what triggered the panic attack wasn't only the physical pain but the emotional pain and confusion of it all as well. It's been a weird rollercoaster ride of emotions.

Ephesians 4:2-3: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

Marriage isn't always pretty and easy. Sometimes there is throw up in the mix (if you're dealing with me.) Walk does his best to understand my freakouts, he's the real MVP. Marriage is facing whatever life throws your way and supporting the one you love even if it's 3 am in the morning and they're having an anxiety attack.

1 Peter 3:7: “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives.  Love your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered."

Marriage is one of those things whenever you over come situations together and try to see it as if you were in their shoes, it brings you that much closer. In times of difficulty it's easy to live selfishly but when you find a relationship that is worth living selflessly for, it makes it worth while. Walker puts me first in most every situations, don't get me wrong he's human, I'm human, we all are and have slip ups but I hope and pray I am half the wife he is husband to me. I really don't know how I got so lucky to marry such an amazing and understanding individual. 

What I'm getting at with all this here is being married isn't so bad and I hope everyone is fortunate enough to find someone in their life who is there in sickness and in health, the good and the bad. Someone who pushes you to lean on God in hard and confusing times.  If you're dating someone with the potential to be your wife or husband. Put them a close second to God and try to live your life the way Jesus laid his life down for you. Grow with your love one and overcome obstacles with God by ya'lls side. If you're single, focus on your relationship with God. If you're married God first and your spouse second. It's like a triangle effect, we are at the base of the triangle on each side and God is at the top. The closer you get to God the closer you become to one another. 

 Ecclesiastes 4:12: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"

Email inquires I apologize for not getting back to yall. I've taken a week to recollect and take some time for myself and Walk. I appreciate y'all and your paitence.

Xx,

Syd