The nudges I needed…

October 17th — I took a leap of faith and started a small group at our house to talk about scripture, life, and the highs and lows of life. It’s been on my heart for well over a year now. I had bought a devotional type of book a year ago with intentions of making the jump into starting a group and using it as a guiding tool for the group. ⠀

I had every excuse in the world as to why I shouldn’t do one leading up to this point. ⠀

One excuse I had leading up to that was childcare. God showed up and has provided it each week.

The other is my lack of knowledge when it comes to the Bible. I’d be lying if I said I knew much about the Bible. Growing up reading the Bible wasn’t anything I really did. I got my first Bible at 22 years old and it sparked my interest in having a relationship with God. I now have spirituality in my life now but I still haven’t been the best about diving into learning scripture.

I was scared to start this group because who starts a Bible study group and doesn’t know much about it? I know my heart is in a good place, I know God’s love so that’s a start I guess? Thankfully we have a few people in the group who are pretty knowledgeable when it comes to scripture who has taken the reins.

I thought about starting the group after I had Avie. I kept feeling a nudge from God saying, “If you aren’t gonna start it not now… Then when?” I last minutely, about a week before having Avie threw it together. I made a Facebook group for it, texted some friends, and let God work. I was nervous but we made it happen.

I was scared to lead and I was scared to put myself out there. I was afraid no one would come. Once again, God took care of my anxieties and people have showed up, and now each week someone new takes the devotional book to lead and picks a page that speaks life to them. From there they pose questions and we do life together talking about our take on the scripture, what’s going on in our lives, and how to be better Christians.

So tonight marks one week after having Avie and 3 weeks of doing the group.

Today was stressful if I’m being honest. Juggling newborn life, little sleep, pumping, breastfeeding, a very wild 18 month old, and trying to get a potluck meal together, and clean up my house… I almost called it off. The house was a mess, I’m recovering from a c section, Walker was chasing a one year old most of the day, and Auggie is still on the acorn eating train, Avie was an Angel, but Auggie man… he tested us hard. ⠀

Eating acorns, playing in cactuses, climbing everything. It stirred up some frustrations between Walk and I. I’m not proud of how I handled things towards Walk to be truthful. Auggie decided to tango with a cactus this afternoon. All this happened 45 minutes before people are showing up. I almost got on the FB group and said we aren’t gonna meet today. Then I felt that nudge again saying, “Don’t. You need this.”

I nursed Avie 15 mins before everyone got there and I sat in the chair with tears in my eyes as I read the scripture assigned prior to us meeting. (Last minute Lynda here) I was frustrated with Walker, how the day went, and a few other things of postpartum. The scripture was about how we should do ALL things out of love. All I could think about is how I handled today. I wasn’t very loving towards Walker.

Saying sorry to Walker is hard for me sometimes. Really only to him. The one person who loves me no matter what. Isn’t that weird how that is? I thought about how God loves me despite my shortcomings. He loves me even when I’m really not that lovable.

I needed to extend that grace to Walker in the areas I felt like he fell short. The same way Jesus extends his grace to all of us. His love is unconditional and holds no count of wrongs. He loves us and forgives us always. Really I needed to shift my focus to the things Walker did right today because there was way more than I gave him credit for. It’s easy to get stuck in a negative loop of hyper fixating on stuff that’s not that big of deal if you don’t have something like Jesus or community to reel you back in.

Walker came in to check on me and I mustarded it up to say I’m sorry. I expressed to him how even though I am/was frustrated it wasn’t right of me to handle it the way I did. It felt good to apologize.

Tonight I didn’t get to take part in the group other than the last 15 or so minutes. I put Auggie down for bed and missed most of it. I sat in the rocking chair with August thinking about today.

Thinking about if we wouldn’t have had this group tonight I probably wouldn’t have said I’m sorry to Walker. I probably wouldn’t have read any scripture and just went to bed frustrated with how the day went.

Catching the end of the group I was reminded how beneficial and vital starting my mornings with Jesus is. For me it really shapes the whole trajectory of my day. I handle things better, I’m more productive, and I’m more intentional and kind with my words throughout the day.

In the mornings pre Avie I would play worship music when Auggie eats and I’ll read some scripture and my devotionals. Lately I haven’t been doing that like I use to.

At the tail end of Bible study Allie shared the scripture I posted. ⠀

Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Psalms‬ ‭90‬‬:‭14‬

I needed that reminder for tomorrow. To start my day spending time with Jesus. I am determined to have a better day tomorrow and have a more positive outlook.

Because today I thought to myself earlier “Is this craziness with Auggie going to last forever? I don’t know if I can handle this another day of meltdowns without coming unhinged completely.” So negative and totally setting my mind up for disappointment because I was fixated on what was going wrong rather than what was going right. So much is going right. I mean goodness we’re a family of 4 now. That’s pretty frigging awesome.

Things tonight reminded me of:

1) I need to stop trying to do it all alone and know that Jesus is there always to extend his love, guidance, ansd grace.

2) I need community even if it’s catching the last 15 minutes of a small group to bring light into my world.

3) It’s easy to get wrapped up in mom world and thinking you have to be superwoman. You can’t be superwoman without a relationship with God. He doesn’t want you or your spouse to do it alone.

4) Jesus won’t give me anything that I can’t handle.

5) Sorry is easier after sitting and thinking about all the things Walker did right today rather than what he did “wrong.”

6) I’m grateful that Auggie is able to be active, healthy, and wild despite how frustrating it can be. He’s probably gonna be a great leader and confident human one day by his determination and I do love the thought of that.

7) Negativity breeds negativity. Positivity breeds positivity. It’s all about how I see what’s before me.

8) I really love my husband and I’m thankful he loves me even though I’m emotional and I lose my cool from time to time.

9) It’s really important to listen and go with the nudges God presents before you.

10) There were so many good things about today.

I can’t lose sight of that.

—-

Just a few things that comes to mind.

I’m excited to start my day tomorrow. ⠀

Tomorrow is a new day. ⠀

Tomorrow is a fresh start. ⠀

Until then,

Goodnight internet friends.

xo

S N D