“You have a baby… in a bar.”

In the past week I’ve been asked a few times

“How are you adjusting?”⠀

I’ve thought a lot about this question here lately. I think going from no kids to one was H A R D. It honestly felt like a shock to my system, my routine, and my social life. ⠀

It took me a solid year to be content and okay with this huge change in my life. I was use to traveling, girls nights, and picking up and heading home to Kansas whenever I wanted. I didn’t have to put much thought into my life. I lived very carefree and spontaneously. There was but there wasn’t intentional thinking and planning with my life. Which can be a beautiful thing too for that season of my life it just made sense to me that way. I do think living that way was partially to blame for some of my anxiety though.

For a portion of my adult life I would go grab a “drink” with friends and reap the consequences of a hangover and anxiety the next day and days to come. It was never just a drink. I would replay conversations I had from the night prior. I wouldn’t have a clear picture of how the conversation actually went because I had beer goggles on the night before. So I’d paint a picture in my head and cause myself to go down a rabbit hole of anxiety E V E R Y time. ⠀

I know I used alcohol as a crutch a lot for social anxiety prior to kids and to ease my anxiety after a night of drinking. It was just a vicious cycle I was living. I’d loosen up and start to have fun and wouldn’t want to stop drinking. What I didn’t realize was I causing more turmoil and pain in other areas of my life and not just wreaking havoc on my liver alone.

Though this realization and stepping into a different season of life it has opened my eyes to those things and to friendships that actually value me for me and not just drinking Syd.

Going from no kids to 1 kid was hard because I was so stuck in a cycle of doing what I wanted without any regard. It took me a year of learning to be with my feelings and having contentment with my life. It took me a year or so of seeing the beauty in the here and now. It’s also helped me to venture towards friendships of friends that are in a similar season of life but also how important it is to build sound friendships outside of a party lifestyle.

Anyways, now having Avie here it hasn’t been bad. I think going from 1 to 2 kids has been easier. It’s still the same thing we’ve been doing for the past year and a half but we just peppered another one into the mix. She’s been a really great addition to our family.

It’s definitely harder finding time to spend with friends having another one. It’s also hard finding the energy to get dressed up and ready with two kids now. I use to love the whole getting ready pregaming process. Having kids has cut my getting ready time well over half the time but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Last night I had a couple drinks with friends and being in this season I had to pump and bring Avie along with me. I’ll take girl time when I can so I made it happen even if it’s a little tougher. Avie’s not taking a bottle yet so where the boobs go, she goes too. That means even having a baby in a bar.

I definitely got some looks from people pushing my Doona through Sidecar - Jenks. I didn’t care though, it’s not like I was turning up. I had a drink and felt like a human again and not just a milk machine. I mean I still am a milk machine that but socializing made me feel a little like my old self and having a social life felt good. Even if that means being home and in bed before midnight.

Don’t get me wrong there are definitely hard days of juggling two kids but it’s not as bad as everyone said it would be. Sure it’s not convenient and always easy but it’s just a season. That’s something I tell myself a lot.

I’ve finally got to a point of knowing and accepting this is my life now and it’s a really awesome place to be in. It’s made me a more secure with myself person and less of an anxious mess because I’ve had to learn to face my emotions and feelings without having distractions of the party party lifestyle. This life is a one drink, not feeling anxiety ridden, and secure with myself kinda life. It’s actually really nice.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again having my kids has taught me a lot about myself. Also, it’s taught me that you will get kicked out of the bar after 10pm if you decide to bring your kid along. Which was totally okay with me. My bed was calling my name anyways.

It’s taught me a lot about structure and kind having a game plan. Don’t get me wrong I’m still a hot mess but I have to think ahead and plan things. It’s something that’s helped with my anxiety and I see how beneficial it actually is. My kids have also made me realize I kinda like sober me and I don’t have to self sabotage through drinking for people to enjoy my company.

God’s plan and his timing couldn’t have been more on point. We experienced a miscarriage in 2017 and I truly believe God knew my heart wasn’t ready yet. Now I have my two babies and I have so much more appreciation and understanding for the life that is before me.⠀⠀

So in a long winded response,

adjusting to two has its days but it’s not bad.

For myself, and I say this knowing everyone’s journey is different. But for me it took me surrendering to this season in my life. I could see it being harder if I wouldn’t have accepted this season for what it is.

Before I know it, I’ll be 40. My kids will be bigger and I’ll be laughing at the thought that I pushed Avie through Sidecar in a stroller to catch up with friends. One day I’ll be missing when they were little making me look like a crazy mom desperate to get out of the house.