Red wine & Jesus talks
As I sit here at my computer over indulging in wine and Looks Like Film images I just had a really odd and strange flashback and felt as if I should blog it. I went straight to my blog and started typing.
To some of you, really probably most of you, you'll think what the heck did I just read. I'm saying this because yes I have had a few glasses of red wine. I'm assuming I have a little bit of liquid courage going on, nothing crazy but enough to express myself through words.
I just got a flashback of myself sitting at my computer in high school, roughly around the same time of night. More than likely later. I was and still am a night owl. Some of my best thinking and time to myself is spent by myself at 3 o clock in the morning. The flashback I had was myself at seventeen looking online at things I could possible go into later on in life. I am currently up in Kansas at my mom's house sitting at my computer and I hear a huge gust of wind beat against the house. Yes, that wonderful Kansas wind gave me a flashback to seeing seventeen year old Sydney sitting at the computer with the giant clunky modem listening to the wind blow and searching what I could potentially be when I grew up to get the hell out of Andale. Things were a little different then than what they are now and I cant say I hate it. Things are different now and I'm sitting at my computer blogging about my past rather than trying to look into my future. Yes life is different and the way I look at it is, life can be confusing and it's forever forever changing. You can either sit and sulk, be bitter and totally stagnant and never forgive or grow and move on with life.
Back to seventeen year old Sydney, I was lost, confused and utterly stupid. Okay very stupid in some of my actions and decision making. I fought with my parents like it was going out of style. I had an attitude and a chip on my shoulder. I mean really what seventeen year old doesn't to an extent but for me it was more of a chunk than a chip. I don't know if this stems from the fact of not knowing where my place was in the world, struggling in school and living life with a right brained perspective, the shitty girls I dealt with at school or maybe even a combination of things. With that being said I no longer have a problem with the "shitty" girls from high school and actually a few of them of apologized for how they were to me, I never thought I would see the day but like I said you can either sit and sulk about how life isn't always far or how someone did you wrong or you can make things right and live a healthy life. You know, the girls that have apologized to me for how they were, thank you. I know I said thank you once before but I will say it again, thank you. Thank you for growing and not living your life with bitterness in your soul, and living determined to have a healthy life. Even though I forgave you far before you actually forgave yourself, thank you. I am glad to see you are happy and striving to a happier healthier life. I know I haven't always been an angel but one thing I don't feel like I've ever been was spiteful.
I take that back, at a point when my parents weren't getting along, I was really struggling in school, and girls were being girls towards me I began to become somewhat spiteful like teepeeing someone's house but never hateful.
I wasn't the "talk behind your back type of girl." By all means, don't take this as, "Oh she thinks she's a badass." Because I most definitely was NOT, but I wasn't afraid to ruffle some feathers and let you know how I felt or showed you how I felt about certain situations. Don't get me wrong I still have a little bit of crazy in me but like the famous Miranda Lambert song, gotta hide your crazy. It's true you sometimes gotta hide your crazy because Lord knows ever and everyone of us girls have crazy hidden somewhere. To some of the people I may have fired back at, I am really a sorry I pushed the limits sometimes when I felt like I was done wrong and I ruffled some feathers, I mean it when I say I am sorry.
I will say I am glad I don't live my life like that on a daily basis. It's exhausting and you feel like you have a constant weird ass feeling in your gut of "who did I piss off this week?"
With all this talk I'm not going down the road of "I'm so glad I moved away and go away from the small town stuff, kinda talk", but I am going down the road of I am thankful I found God kind of talk. Yeah, I know I tend to cuss like a sailor and honestly if I had the energy or time I would probably go back and find better synonyms for the cuss words I used, just know I love Jesus but I cuss a little too.
Any who, my flashback of the wind beating the house with all it's might brought me back to thinking of how Seventeen year old Sydney. Seventeen year old Sydney who felt as if I had something constantly beating me down to the core, wondering where I belonged and who I was meant to be, the pressures of fitting in or fitting the mold of how a seventeen year old was suppose to be. Like the wind beating on a house, my house broke. I didn't have a sound foundation with our Lord and Savior, and that isn't my families fault, it was mine. I had no interest in perusing my relationship with Christ. I had the mentality of, "I got this." When I quite frankly didn't have it at all. I have shared with a few people where I stood when I was seventeen and I have yet to verbalize it and this might make more sense to those who have seen me in my deep pits to the highs of life I have been on.
Before I go any further know this, I still have my days where I break down. I still have days of certainty, days of not feeling like I am good enough. I have panic attacks, anxiety, and depression hit me somedays harder than others, but I know there is a greater power to pull me through.
Imagine going through life without thinking or knowing that there was a greater power to pull you through your darkest days. Something that gives you hope that there will be brighter days and better things in life to come. Imagine living a life of feeling like you are living in darkness.
Some of you reading this, you might be in the darkness right now. Wondering am I ever going to find happiness? Someone who loves me through my brokenness? Someone who accepts me for who I am? Someone who allows you to be yourself without feeling as if you have to fake happiness I order for them to love you?
The answer is yes. There is someone out there for everyone, but you can't force it to try and expect for them to fix your brokenness. YOU have to be on the pursuit of fixing you before you can truly love someone and give yourself over to someone whole heartedly. That doesn't mean that they can't love you through your brokenness but I will tell you this, you will never find true genuine happiness and love if you don't love yourself first. With that being said, I am about to actually come out and write about it. This is something I have wanted to write about for a long time but it is a really weird touchy subject for me, my church group knows about it but not the world. For some reason God is laying on my heart to voice this, and maybe just maybe the person reading this, this is exactly what you need to hear.
I Sydney Nicole Stuever, now Davidson was once in a very dark place in my life. I lived a life on the outside looking as if I were happy on the outside, partaking in wreckless behaviors, I can't say I didn't have fun doing some of the crazy stuff I did but at that point I did not have a relationship with God, nor did I care to. My thoughts were, "If there is a God, then why am I getting put to the test daily? Why am I feeling like I am getting beat down day in day, day out from something? Or Why is the world so screwed up if there is a God?" But in reality God puts us through some of the toughest battles to allow us to see things from a different light later on if we are willing to open our eyes to God's plan. Happiness should come from doing good in God's eyes. Don't get me wrong, we are all human we are going to mess up. That is why there is such thing as original sin, but we need to try and live our lives in a way that is pleasing to God.
The reason why is because I am sitting here right now with a changed perspective. If I weren't to have overdosed on dad's prescription sleeping pills and woke up at a rehab center wondering, "Why am I here?" One, I could have clearly been dead. Two, my perspective and how I view the world would have still been so different than it was then, when I trying to do life on my own. Thankfully God gave me a second chance to live my life right. Now I have a greater appreciation for the gifts and talents God's has blesses me with, I now want to get out and see the world, and embrace all that God has placed before me.
The crazy thing about it all is, I didn't love myself. I blamed everyone else for my problems when in reality I was a lot of the problem. I didn't love my life, or the opportunities, or the people God placed before me. I was selfish, and I took advantage of a lot of things. I took advantage of a lot of people. When I say girls were shitty to me, I cant say it wasn't just their fault. It was mine too for fighting back and creating a mountain out of a mole hill. I could have just let different things go and lived with out a lot of bitter regret. I had moments of living my life on the edge with a lot of things with no regard of how it might make someone else feel. I don't want that for anyone, it is by far the darkest and most angry way to live your life. I felt as if someone did me wrong I had to get them back for their action. That's not the way to live. Think twice act once.
During the mist of all my craziness, Walker came into my life. Seven years ago, Walker loved me through my brokenness. He loved me for my overdosing, my chip on my shoulder, he loved me for my soul because deep down he knew my worth and saw glimpses of who I really am. He loved me and my families chaos. He loved me for me.
So for those who have stuck through this and have continued to read, there are people who will love you through your brokenness. When I met Walker I was on the pursuit to becoming a healthier and strong me. Sometimes I didn't want to go to my counseling with Dr. Pace but looking back I am so glad I did. Dr. Pace put things into perspective for me, he made me appreciate the life I get to live. Dr. Pace had cancer when I was seeing him. He had a speak impediment because of the cancer and that alone showed me, "Wow, my life isn't that bad." It's pretty crazy how God places certain people in our lives for reasons. He was my best friend for a year, my rock. The person I turned to. He knew all about Walker, and practically everything in my life. One thing he taught me, was "You can't love someone until you love yourself." That is something that will forever be burned into my brain.
Dr. Pace taught me to love myself and taught me to have self respect, something I struggled with in the past. Dr. Pace is by far one of the best men I have ever got the privilege to cross paths with, Dr. Robert Pace passed away a year after I stopped seeing him and when I am in my lows, God and Dr. Pace are the two that cross my brain.
I truly believe when we begin to dance with Jesus, he will allow the right man to cut it. My year of seeing Dr. Pace I started the little bit of foundation with God. It wasn't much but I knew God had a plan for me. I was still seeing Walker but really it wasn't that serious at that point. We were both young and stupid but trying to figure things out.
A couple years of on and off falling off the map and struggling with school and where I was suppose to be in life. I got asked to moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I jumped all over it. I was ready for a fresh start. From there I had no friends other than Walker's family and my animals. I was forced to find self love and acceptance. I was forced to find who I was meant to be. From there I really established a relationship with God.
When Dr. Pace died, God allowed Walker to truly cut in. Walker became my rock along with Jesus during the hard times. Walker taught me about the Word & even in our difficult times we grew together. Don't get me wrong we had our rough patches like any other relationship but I've learned so much from Walker. He's so understanding and nonjudgemental. He has faith that the Lord will not put him through anything he can't handle and he doesn't fret about what tomorrow may bring.
I could ramble on and on about my testimony but know this,
+ God's plan is far bigger than you can see.
+ There is light at the end of the tunnel, I have found happiness. I am happily married to an amazing man and I have finally found my calling.
+ It's okay to feel lost but it is never okay to give up. When there is a problem, fix it. Don't allow yourself to hit rock bottom the climb isn't any easier than the path you took to get there.
+ Dance with Jesus first, and he will allow the perfect man/woman to cut in.
+ Strive to be the best possible you.
+ Love yourself, but love respect others.
+ Also, two wrongs don't make a right.
+ & most importantly know God is always by your side.
Ps - Happiness is right around the corner.
Rest in Peace
Dr. Robert Pace