Celtic Knot of Motherhood - Sadie Eck
I asked Sadie to put together a little something with her insight of the meaning behind her Celtic Knot tattoo and what life struggles she has endured in the past couple of years. I figured even if you are reading this and you have never experienced such pain, odds are you probably know someone who has.
Sadie Catherine, you inspire me and I am so proud to be able to call you one of my friends. Continue to be a the light this crazy world needs. Words can not express how excited I am to meet that cute little nugget of yours this summer. Walker and I are so happy for you and Pete.
I love you always sis,
"The Celtic Knot of Motherhood represents the deep, unbreakable, and eternal bond of love shared by a mother and her children.
January 2015 we heard from our doctor, “The pregnancy is not progressing.” But the worst part was what we didn’t hear. “There is no heartbeat”. Unless this has happened to you, I can’t even begin to explain this feeling. It felt like my own heart was ripped out and crushed by a ton of bricks. My husband and I had walked into the doctor that day on cloud nine. We were going to see our baby! And in a matter of seconds everything changed.
August 2015 I found myself balled up on the floor of our bathroom in a pain that I couldn’t escape. I had started spotting but assumed it was that time of the month. I found a way to get to sleep and woke up feeling fine. A few days later I went to the doctor and tested positive. Yep, pregnant again, but fast forward a couple day and I found myself on the floor at work with the same pain. Time to go back to the doctor. “Your numbers are dropping and you have an ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy in the tube).” At this point we were told that my body had decided something had been wrong and miscarried before my tube burst. Which was apparently a “blessing” but we weren’t feeling “blessed” one bit.
January 2016, third time is a charm. Or so they have said, but not for us. This time around we went in for our first ultrasound at 8 weeks and it was a very bad dream all over again. “The pregnancy is not progressing” and “There is no heartbeat”. How? Why? This can’t be happening again. This time we made a decision to have a more natural miscarriage if my body allowed since we had done a D and C the first go around. And this just lead to more heartbreak and an unsettling feeling of being a failure. I couldn’t help but feel like my own body was hurting my babies.
I would love to be able to say that I handled this all with poise and grace but I did not. Sure I had my moments of acceptance but I had many more moments when I felt like much less. After the first loss I feel like I was a little in denial. My exact thoughts, “Let’s do this surgery and get it over with so we can try again.” I cried, but not the way I needed to. My mother had told me to be strong for Pete (my husband) because he wasn’t going to know how to handle this. Well, I was strong. Too strong. On the outside. And one night Pete said the wrong thing and I broke. Probably the ugliest cry you can imagine. My fake lashes were falling off my eyes and I had snot everywhere. Pete held me and was in a form of shock I think. “What is wrong? Why are you crying?” and I managed to somehow form words. “I’m trying to be strong for you and I’m not strong. I don’t want to be strong anymore. This sucks.” Turns out I didn’t need to be strong. I needed to be honest and real. We needed to be there for each other. But how could he be there for me if I was “Fine”. This moment was something we needed. Not only for ourselves as individuals but for our relationship. I had forgotten that we were in this together and that I loved this man because I trusted him to be there for me, always.
Moving onto August. This was another weak moment for me. We were at a family wedding and conveniently I was told by three separate couples that they were expecting. Good. Great. Grand. This was all I needed. And this is also one of the most conflicting and difficult feeling that I have ever felt. I was happy. Ecstatic for these people but at the same time my stomach was in knots because I wanted this to be me. I needed this. I deserved a baby. I found myself mildly intoxicated and went to for a pop run with Pete. Through tears I told him, “I feel like someone is throwing rocks at my gut”. I didn’t get it. I felt like God had decided to punish us but I didn’t know why.
January came with some of my biggest lows and yet incredible highs. I found myself apologizing to my husband. “You could have married someone that wouldn’t have these problems.” On the way home from the doctor I prayed. “Please just give me a baby. Please give our baby a heartbeat. I will go to church every day of the week and I will go to church twice on the weekend.” And in that moment I realized that that wasn’t how it worked. You don’t get to cut a deal with God. Even though you can’t see it, there is some kind of plan and it is taking place right now. So I changed my thinking and prayed again. “Please, God, give me a sign that everything is going to be alright.” The very next song on the radio was Carrie Underwood’s song, Must be Something in the Water, came on. If you’re not familiar go listen. Anyway, there is a line that says, “just a little faith, it will all get better.” Just like that there was a weight lifted off of me and I felt free. I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and trust. I knew in that moment that I had three beautiful little angels in heaven and that I was going to get to meet them someday. In that moment I knew that I was going to get my chance but I had to stop worrying about everything that I had no control over. So we decided to take a break from trying.
Here we are now. I am currently typing this and I am almost 34 weeks pregnant with an already beautiful baby girl. Since January of 2016 I have had the opportunity to influence the lives of many young women. Women who have had no one to talk to or women who just wanted to relate to someone that knew their pain. Over 3 million women a year have miscarriages. And if I can help one of those suffering I believe I am doing exactly what the man upstairs intended me to do. During this pregnancy I have been told that I’m particularly pleasant. I’m sure Pete would object a bit. But I’m grateful. I have remember that I am blessed and everything has lead me to this moment. I get to have my chance to be a mommy and Pete gets to have the chance to be a daddy. That is all I have ever wanted. I had faith and I trusted God and look where it lead us. So to anyone out there, I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or that you’re not allowed to cry or be pissed. Scream, cry, throw things, and even throw a pity party like I did. Find someone to talk to. But always remember that it will get better and that you are walking right down the path that you are supposed to be. And that he never leaves you."
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. –Isaiah 43:2
Jesus answered and said to him “What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.” –John 13:7